I Feel…

So remember when you were in school and you had a disagreement with a fellow student, they usually sent you to the guidance counselor who would hold a mediation. They would tell you to start your conversations with “I Feel…” For example, “I feel angry because Beth wrote “window licker” on my locker.” Always “I feel” followed by exactly how whatever happened  made you feel the way you did.

mediatation-therapy

Well I had similar experience today. I went into the bathroom and stared at the scale. The scale I have been avoiding through most of the holidays…I was a afraid. I felt afraid of a piece of household nothing. A $30.00 dollar plastic machine that would spit out a number that what? Would depress me? Make me happy? Why? Why does that number have any barring on my happiness? Why should it? “I feel angry because my life has turned into what you want me to look like.” “I feel disappointed that I got caught up in the hype.” ” I feel silly for thinking my self worth was directly related to a number on a screen.” “I feel like that is not happening anymore.” because…”I feel fine.”

weigh-scale

It wasn’t just my scale that mocked me. No, it is every single freaking time I go online. “Lose weight by Spring” “Banish cellulite with this one weird trick.” “Diet of the stars, lose 20 pounds and still eat everything you like.” “Make -up how are you doing it wrong” “Grey hair and how to hide it.” “How to dress so you look 10 years younger.” “How you are doing your beauty routine wrong”

new_beauty

I could go on and on. It bombards you daily. It isn’t just girls either, although I admit we get the brunt of it, men get it too…”Six pack by March” “Wow her with new hair growth” “Running to increase performance” It is like no matter what we do, we can do better.  I feel sickened by this.

I am not saying everyone should say, “Whelp the chick who writes that blog said I shouldn’t worry, so I’m eating bacon on my ice cream tonight!”

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Pay attention…no I am not saying forget basic common sense. I feel sluggish because I have been eating like crap for three weeks. Ergo – I need to get back to my normal eating routine and all will correct itself. I need not fear the scale. I just have to get back to my routine.

Kids learn from their parents…little girls grow up wanting to wear makeup because mommy does. If you make a big deal out of what you weigh, instead of how you live, then your kids will to. Instead of my son seeing a mother constantly obsessing over that stupid number, which thankfully I think I have hidden from him, I want him to see a mother who walks for heart health. (which I do – but the added weight loss – I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy that) I want him to see a mother who chooses a banana over a cookie because of nutrition and not diet. I want him to have those same healthy habits. Not worry about the number on a scale.

sam fruit

I have battled with anorexia most of my life. So it rightly concerned a few friends and family when I decided to buy a scale and go on this kick. However, once they saw a lifestyle change and not a starving myself change, they came around. I have a son. I have people who love me, and people who depend on me. I am no longer in the dark place that I was then. Yes, I still have image issues…something I am working on. fat skinny

The important thing is I feel fine. My walks not only help my heart, and muscles, circulation etc., they give me a moment of peace. I can either put on some soothing music, or kick ass music, or no music at all, and just be with myself. My eating habits have made me healthier. I am getting more vitamins, more protein, still working on the veggie part, but getting better. I have stopped eating a lot of the junk I used to eat, whether because of the migraines ( a lot of processed foods were causing some of them), or because of my pledge to stop cruelty to animals, ergo, I feel healthier. I am generally a happy person. What needs to change is how much value I put on that stupid number. What I need to change is reading those articles that tell me all that stuff I am doing wrong and how to fix it. What I need to change is not being in pictures because I am not “photogenic” and start making memories. What I need to change is being a better, healthier role model for my son, instead of trying to compare myself to the ones on TV. article-2480191-19159A7D00000578-333_636x437

* Again – I am not a doctor, if your doctor told you to lose weight – then listen them…I am just a chick sitting on the couch being judged by her rabbit…

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