I suffered from postpartum depression. Suffered. Right after having a beautiful, healthy amazing baby boy, I was miserable. Husband and I were always fighting, Cody was always crying. I felt alone, very alone. The way I saw it, no one could have ever felt this way. I remember it clearly. I was embarrassed beyond belief to even admit it to my husband. Never mind friends and other family members. I suffered alone. I obviously came out the other end of it, thanks to medication, and talking it through. I still suffer from Anxiety but again, with medication, it is manageable. I still feel alone sometimes with that as well. Does anyone else freak out about the future? Does anyone else over think every single conversation they have had? Does anyone else wake up in the middle of the night and wonder how you were going to do it all the next day? Wonder how bad you were screwing your kid up? Answer…yes..lots of people. I feel horrid for them but also so very thankful. It is nice knowing I am not alone.
I have never considered suicide. Ever. I have self harmed in the past. But never considered my only way out was to end it. It really isn’t for some religious reason, or some ethical reason. Maybe I have never been that low? Maybe. I don’t know. But I have never considered it. When I hear of friends, loved ones, even celebrities ending their lives, I get angry. How selfish. How utterly completely selfish of them. Don’t they know that people care about them? Don’t they know how much pain they have caused? I get so angry at them. So angry I can hardly grieve. This has happened a lot in my life. (Unfortunately)
When Robin Williams committed suicide the world shook. People started to pay attention to the very real disease that is depression. How could someone who made us laugh, who always offered a kind word, who was there to support and love everyone, be so unhappy that they do something so final. It came out he was suffering from another disease as well, but he was still gone…gone by his own hand. People started sharing their depression stories, started sharing what stopped them from doing it, or how a failed attempt was made. It opened my eyes to a different view on suicide. A particular quote came around during that time, which I can’t remember in its entirety but goes something like. “Those who commit suicide are not cowards, they have simply tried to be brave for too long.” Again that isn’t exact, but it finally made me less angry at those who have taken their lives.
So I get it, I see why people think this is it. I get it, but I don’t have to like it. I get it, but I want so badly for no one to ever do it again. I get it and I am sorry.
I am sorry for everyone who has been so brave, fighting a battle in secret for so long, that felt the way to stop it was to end their life. I am sorry for their family members, their friends. Know that it wasn’t your fault.
It is okay to be angry, but as I have learned, don’t let the anger replace how you felt about the person. You loved them, you laughed with them, you may have even cried with them. Remember the good times, and don’t go looking for the signs. Remember the laughter that will hopefully get you through the tears.
If anyone you know is talking about killing themselves, even jokingly, say something. Sometimes, all it takes is a hug.
If you are thinking of suicide here are some places to go for help. Please know, that you are not alone.
National Suicide prevention hotline – 1 (800) 273-8255
This post is dedicated to Jessica Cressey, to her family and friends. I am so very sorry.